Quick someone give me 65 dollars. I might have found something that will help me drop those last 30lbs. Weeeeeeeks of research and tens of articles later. Not to mention after price comparing, GNC is having a sale until the 7th. Oh ya, and I might get to see my cute GNC guy that always makes me nervous when I go in. 

Dear weightloss Gods. I’m pissed off. I have tried everything; diet pills, shakes, detox cleansers, high protien, low carb, no carb, Hiking, Weight w/ cardio, Weights w/ No cardio, Just Cardio, Kickboxing, yoga, eliptical, stairclimbers, running at 5am, running at 5pm, LOW calorie intake, HIGH calorie in take. Stability balls, Kettle Bells,  resistance bands, keeping a journal,  fiber fiber fiber! salad salad salad, water water and MORE FUCKING WATER. GREEN TEA, CLA, AMINO ACIDS, WHEY PROTIEN, SIT UPS, PUSH UPS, & LUNGES.  I AM CONSISTANT, I AM A HARDWORKER, I GET THE HELL OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE, PUSH MYSELF TO THE POINT OF ASTHMA ATTACKS AND TREMBLING. I’m fucking done, I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t get on that scale and NOT see it budge, not down nor up. 2 scales, same number. I dont want to get off my couch now, I dont want to eat anything, I dont want to do anything besides wear sweats and take a week long nap.  75 POUNDS LOST IN A YEAR AND A HALF.  AND NOW TODAY, AT 3:10PM ON A SUNDAY, I’M SAYING I’M THROWING IN THE TOWEL CAUSE I’m over it. I’m done with this killing myself and seeing zero results. I dont have the money to try anything else, I don’t have the energy to research anything or read one more flipping article about plateaus. So unless by some friggin miracle I wake up 3lbs lighter tomorrow, I will be cancelling my gym membership and going on the hot cheeto and beer diet.

WHY is it so easy to beat myself up? Why is it I get stuck focussing on the negative instead of the positive? Answer: What many people don’t know about me is that I have battled with depression for 13 years. I have probably battled with depression much longer than that (but the official diagnosis from Kaiser was given when I was 14). fast forward to about 6 years ago and Slowly the bastard has been creeping up on me. Out of the blue, fast and in a downward spiral I go. So now about 90% of the time I feel it coming. I feel like my world is falling apart around me and there is nothing I can do, besides curl up into a little ball on my couch and wish It would all go away. It’s getting in the way of everything; some days it completely gets in the way of being able to take care of my daughter and myself. My mom says it’s a demon and that I need to pray. =/  I don’t know what it is, but I just want it gone.

What brings it on? Bills, money, mom duties, Kenzie’s autism, feeling like a loser, my dad, being alone (single), school, un-organization, holidays, big events of any kinds, asshole people, & stress, to name a few… I just feel so not in control of anything in my life. Everything is too stressful, everything is a trigger.  And I start to think, “I can’t do this much longer, I can’t do it anymore!!” Kenzie’s dad doesn’t help me, so my mom (the last person I’d ever turn to help for) steps in and takes kenzie for however long it takes me to snap out of it. 1.. 2.. 3 days. I’m just afraid that one day it’s going to turn into weeks. I feel like i’m slowly becoming crippled. And that’s when I start to think about the future, and maybe I need to move back home and have someone take care of me.  Trade my privacy, quite, comfortable  yet pricey & cramped apartment for more money in my pockets, constant eyes watching me, and help with Kenzie for those days when I do slip away into my depression. I would trade one misery for another.

Usually I can go to the gym and workout my thoughts and feelings. AND The one thing I had regained control over was my battle with weight. And Now I don’t even have that anymore. So I do irrational things, I chop off my hair, I beat myself up, I hate myself because it’s so easy to do. It’s the only thing I can do anymore.

Usually I feel numb, I go through most of my days wishing that I feel absolutely nothing because the alternative to that is sadness and anger.  & today i’m angry! I’m angry because I’m f*ing fat and disgusting. I’m angry that I stopped losing weight even though I put in 10000000% into every workout out, every step, every weight lifted, every thought out carefully prepared meal. I push myself, I step out of my comfort zone, I ache in places I didnt know I could ache. AND FOR WHAT?! NOTHING, NOT ONE F*ING OUNCE. It’s great woooopty-dooo, i’m down 75lbs, but still over weight by 30! my test result came back that i’m in great shape, added years to my life basically. But Mentally/ emotionally I’M FUCKED.  I’m surrounded by people, yet i’m so alone. I tell myself, tomorrow is another day. But first I just have to make through to the next hour.  Tomorrow… I dread tomorrows.

before and after. I CAN DO THIS!! JUST GOTTA KEEP TRYING.

Went hiking this morning and upped my calories another 500. This hurts my stomach, but if this is what it will take to finally break through the plateau, then it must be done.  Need to come up with a new fitness plan now that work is starting back up Monday.  Good thing they just built in a gym and I can hit some weights while i’m on my break.

Week 1 into the New Year. I wonder how many people have already called it quits in their fitness plan? I’ve stepped up my game, but this plateau is kicking my ass. I don’t know what else I have to do to start losing the weight again? I’m not giving up, but i’m starting to feel desperate. I was sure I would be at least 20lbs lighter than I am by now ( from 3 months ago to now, that is). FML. I can’t give up now, I just have to keep trying, I have to find the right balance, the right program, the right something to make this happen. God only knows how happy I would be if I just lost 5lbs by the end of this month. I’ about to lose it, if I don’t see a major change in numbers. How long can a person stay at the same # for?!!!?! grrrrr!!!

How much work does a girl have to put in, in order to go from this to that? Without the surgery. lol. I’m certain I’m looking at having to lose more than the 30lbs I want to drop to reach my healthy goal. Maybe 50 more lbs? Ok.. so maybe I should compromise, I want to look like a healthier version of that girl in the picture.

We’re responsible for our own bodies… It would be much easier to place the responsibility for our successes or failures (in the gym) on our parents (for their genes), on our partner (for keeping those cookies in the house), on our colleagues (for ordering pizza for lunch), or on our friends (for persudaing us to go out for a few beers). But by giving away that responsibility, we’re also giving away out power.-W.L.

New Year, New Me. First I just want to say that I’m proud of everything I was able to accomplish this past year. Although It got hard at times, I kept at it and reached many of my mini weightloss goals.Bringing the total for 2011 @ -75lbs. 

 Now that new year is upon us and I have set my eyes on new goals to make a healthier, thinner and, stronger version of me. Knowing what lies ahead is definetly a plus. I am fully aware that My results are based in what I put in. I’m realistic, I’m not a virgin in this territory anymore and, I know I have the tools…foundation to really get this hot mess of a body into shape.  

 1st stop tomorrow is the grocery store. Then the gym. Just because I’m on Vacation for one more week doesnt mean I get to slack off.

First Mini-Goal : drop 10lbs by feb. 2nd 2012.  SLOW AND STEADY.

I have been struggling for months now, I’m to break out of the plateau. I have exercised more, eaten more, eaten less, more weights, tried green tea, whey protien, and I still can’t drop 3 friggin pounds!!!  I need just 3 to break the cycle, 3 to get me out of this 3 month rut. 3 POUNDS! Why is this so much harder than it needs to be?

Over rank on Fitlinxx  i’m in 4th place in my age group of 20- 29yrs for fitlinxx points. I’m in 2nd place for the same age group in Calories burned. And that doesnt included any of the running and workouts I havent logged in the past two weeks cause the machine was down. CRAZY PROUD!

Dear Me, nothing changes if you’re comfortable. Be proud that today you did over 5 miles and still hit the weights afterwards. If right now it feels like it’s hard to reach your goal, remember how impossible it felt 70+ lbs ago. you did it, on your own with hard work and determination. instead of giving up when it got hard or when you fell off the banwagon for a bit, you were that much more determine to get up and get it right. so although I can’t promise that it’s going to get any easier, or that you will hit your goal by may 7th 2012. I can promise you that if you keep believing in yourself and continue to do the work; one day you will get there. go ahead and make those 30more pounds your bitch! So what if you hog the eliptical? stop appologizing and train hard or else go home.. you can do this.. ” I CAN DO THIS!!!!”